Intimacy
New technology and digital platforms means that many of us have new opportunities for all different kinds of intimate and social connections. However, in our day to day lives we might only see narrow ideas and expectations of what intimacy can be. This can feel very hard and isolating when those expectation aren’t met, and loneliness remains a serious and widespread social problem across many communities. Intimacy and connectedness are an important human need, and there are lots of ways this need can be met outside traditional, cisgendered and heteronormative ideas that focus on sexual or romantic connection between two people.
Intimacy can be improved by exploring yours and other people’s ‘love languages’. This can include gifts, affirming talk, physical touch, acts of kindness and focused quality time, and can build warmth and care into all different kinds of relationships. Intimacy can also come from building trust, shared vulnerability, feeling safe, being ‘seen’ for who we are and having people reflect that back to us, and helping and being helped during difficult times. Creating a sense of value and belonging is part of intimacy, and this is something that can be a part of connections that only last for a short time (casual) as well as connections that last longer or involve commitment.
Knowing, learning and talking about these building blocks of intimacy is important. It’s also important to understand that people’s intimacy needs can be different without being better or worse, right or wrong. Learning your own intimacy needs and where they might be best met can allow you to give and receive more easily or in new ways, and might help reduce your worries about getting stuck in ways and connections that aren’t working out for you. It can also mean you can be more understanding of other people’s intimacy needs, and not judge or try to change them if they are different or incompatible.
For Trans, Gender Diverse and Non-Binary folk, we might have grown up with confusing, unhelpful or damaging ideas about how we’re supposed to ‘do’ intimacy based on assumptions about our gender. We might have gotten used to playing along to certain roles or ideas that never felt right, or never felt safe to share what does feel right, makes us happy and like our best selves. When we start taking steps to affirm our gender, whether that be socially or with medication and surgery, we might need to spend some time practicing and getting used to new styles of intimacy. Even if these are ways that we’ve always been drawn to, if we haven’t been given space to practice and grow then things might feel awkward and unfamiliar at first, and there might be some unexpected bumps and triggers along the way. Finding a safe space to talk about feelings that come up, and giving ourselves patience and understanding, is important.
Intimacy might involve parts of sexuality or romance or it might involve none at all. It might sit within formal or casual, paid or unpaid, frequent or occasional connections, all of which will have different boundaries, responsibilities or agreements. These connections exist on a spectrum of intimacy and can be given and received without becoming sexual or romantic. It’s important not to assume another person’s intentions, so find a way to be honest and talk respectfully with people to get a shared understanding about what you want or expect, and what your boundaries are. As with all connections, consent is key! It can feel strange figuring out intimacy outside of a ‘special’ romantic or sexual connection, remember that practice makes perfect and we all start somewhere. You might even start by imagining and writing down your own intimacy needs, how they are unique to you, and how they might be met in different ways.
Intimacy with yourself can play a major part in meeting your needs, especially when other people are not always able or available to meet them. If you don’t have a good relationship with yourself, practicing this can feel silly, selfish, impossible, or it might even feel threatening. Self intimacy isn’t about feeling like you’re the best, that you are always right or putting yourself first all of the time. It is about believing that you are worthy of care, kindness, affection, to appreciate and affirm the things that make you ‘you’. Know that you can give these things to yourself rather than always needing them to come from elsewhere and feeling sad when they don’t come. You might have grown up without very good role-models for self-intimacy and without receiving much support, and so learning this can be really hard. However, you can practice giving and receiving intimacy with yourself, and you can get better at it. Try offering yourself an intentional act of intimacy. Be willing to give yourself care and kindness, to accept and be grateful for it, in the same way you would with another person you care about.
Practicing intimacy isn’t about being inauthentic or pretending to be someone you’re not. It’s about learning to give and receive intimacy in new ways. This may mean breaking down norms and stereotypes, or old ways of being and behaving. Practicing intimacy may be a tough ride for many of us, and it’s good to reach out to talk if you’re struggling, as well as remaining patient and gentle with yourself in the process. If you’re not sure who to reach out to, you can find a list of organisations and services on the Support Contacts page.
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